


Optimism, Idealism, Escape

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Ladyhawke (1985)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-27
Updated: 2006-01-27
Packaged: 2018-01-25 06:11:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1635761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Story by emptythreat</p><p>Phillipe talks to God about his destiny while escaping from a monastery and a love in which he has no place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Optimism, Idealism, Escape

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Katie M.

 

 

Lord, You of all people know that I am not a liar. I am simply... idealistic. I prefer to believe that the best will happen, because I trust that Our Heavenly Father wants the best for each of His children. So it follows that, if I am climbing down the crumbling wall of a crumbling monastery with all my meager belongings in a bag, the strap of which, being broken, is clenched in my teeth, then this must be Your will and Your plan, and nothing but good could possibly come of it.

But please, show Your awesome might and cause the wind to abate.

It must have been Your plan, of course, that I come here. Perhaps to learn that the life of a monk is not, in honesty, for the likes of me. I suppose I can serve You better in some other capacity, and I yearn to find out what that capacity might be.

Unless it is tumbling into space. Lord, if this is the path You have chosen for me, please have the mercy to let me be unconscious all the way down. I took nothing but my own belongings; that should count towards my favor, newly-reformed fellow that I am.

I have considered that You sent me to this monastery for certain... sin is such strong word, I think. I always thought that sin, first of all, must be an action, and that it must be carried out with malice. True sin, I mean to say; You know that I would never try to tell You what sin is or is not. Maybe I stole a few things, but not one of those people thought to show charity to a poor, down on his luck lad such as myself, and that would be equally sinful. It balances out, and I did spend time in prison, Lord, remember? And loving a person could not be considered a sin, could it?

I know that love can turn into something awful, into something sinful in a truly sinful person. Your example to me of the Bishop was most instructive. I never once thought to--well, to get in the way, now did I? I did everything in my power to ensure their love, to the point of...

You expected me to say lying. Again, I call it inspired belief, and hope. If the words I attributed to each of them were not exact, or even fact, I do believe that those are the words they would have shared, were they able. I would bet my life that they share like words now; will You take that bet, Lord?

I love them both, and would not see them unhappy for anything in this world or the next--yes, I would give up any place I might have in Your kingdom for one or the other. That they could be together. To be honest, I cannot understand how the Bishop could have found any satisfaction in keeping them apart. He must have been steeped in sin, the blackest sin. But I wanted nothing more than for those two to be together--

Lord, I know now that You are indeed listening, so please do not answer me with thunder so close and overwhelming. I am certain I can serve You better in one, rather than several, pieces.

And perhaps I was not entirely honest, but I explained that! I am an idealist, an optimist; I want to want nothing more than for those two to be together, because I do not want to lose either to gain the other.

Lord, I hope You, in Your infinite wisdom, can understand me better than I understand myself. I love them both, and would not wish them pain, but in that time when I was their only link to the other, I knew what love was, and I was part of it.

There is very little I would not give to be part of it again, but I would give up being part of it for them, Lord. I think that might be what I am trying to say.

What of it, then? I do not quite dare to seek them out; I am part of their Hell, even if I helped to dispel it. There is a whole world out there to explore, but I feel as if there is nothing out there quite so beautiful or holy as that which I have known here. To have seen the pinnacle of life before I am twenty years old... Perhaps it is better for me to end up at the bottom of the wall.

But I am, of course, an optimist and an idealist. I could become a poet, telling their tale across the world, and perhaps my own tale, masked with strange names and strange places. Or, if I am to travel far enough away, there would be no reason to mask anything. And there is always my erstwhile occupation to fall back on, right?

That was a jest, I promise.

I do wonder if they would miss me--if they would notice, after a time, that I am gone, and that I meant something in their sphere of being. Honestly, I am not sure which way I would prefer: to be forgotten, so that they would live in perfect love, which would make a far better story, or to be remembered, and to have had a chance. One I am not willing to take, and damn the consequences.

There are times when you should stand firm, and times when you should fold. They have learned that, at least, in all of this. And this, more than any other, seems to be a time to do both: to fold in regards to unattainable dreams, and stand firm in new decisions. I take it that I have Your approval, as I could land safely on my feet were I to jump from this point. Monastery life is, after all, not the path You would set me on.

Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to reach the bottom of the ravine unharmed. You will, of course, hear more from me in the days to come.

 


End file.
